2014 is My Year

The clock strikes 12. It's new years day. And the world begins celebrating and embracing the start of a new year. It's as if the slate has been wipe clean. New year, new chances. Maybe this year we'll make better choices, make better friends, find love, discover the better things in life. Maybe, just maybe, this year will be better than last. 

And then it dawned on me. I'm turning 20 this year. 2 decades of my life. A new phase altogether. No longer a teenager, not yet an adult. But hitting the big two-o simply means that it's time to grow up, mature a little bit more, take on more responsibilities. Another realisation: I'm graduating next year! (Panic mode on!) Growing up can be so daunting. 

Well I'm not one to make resolutions especially since I know I wouldn't be any good at keeping them. Making them can be so easy. Keeping them, hard. But I've decided, this year is not about what I should or shouldn't do. It's not about how people think I should live and act and behave. 2014 is MY year. 

If there is one thing I resolute to do this year, it is to "Live, not just survive." 

Time to step out of my comfort zone and pursue the things that I want to. It's about time I love myself a little bit more. It's about time I learn to live in the moment and enjoy every ounce of it, because time passes by faster than you know. When the chance passes by, it's gone forever. Who knows what you'll find when you take that chance. This year, I want to LIVE. 

The truth is..

We are difficult people to handle. We may seem open and so straightforward. If you knew not to take everything at face value, you would know. We're not such simple people. We are complicated. Confused. Messed up. Broken. Vulnerable. Scared. We are the walking contradictions that you need time to understand. We're never that simple. Life taught us that being simple makes us an easy target of hurt.

I don't want to get hurt. So the defenses build up. Numb yourself. If you can't feel, you can't hurt. Don't let your guard down. Even when they seem to give you a reason to. Keep your guard up and see how long they fight for you. If they don't fight long enough, they're not worth it. They can't handle you at your worst so why let them stay?

Vulnerable.

Days like these, I don't know. 

Don't know where I'm from. Don't know where I belong. Don't know where home is. 

But right now, all I want is to be Home. Where I can feel safe. Where I can belong. 

Finding my safe haven. 

But God..

1. I remember how adamant I was about coming to Perth to study. I was certain it was a bad idea. Or maybe I was just tired of moving. 

But God spoke. And so plans were made. 

2. I was so scared that I wouldn't settle down here quickly. That I'll have a hard time fitting in. That I wouldn't be able to adapt. Especially since it's the first time that I've moved without the family. 

But God always knew what to do. He made the transition smooth. He allowed things to fall into place. Besides that, the family was always there to support me. Even if they were miles away. It was almost as if He was saying, "Relax Jannah. I've got it covered. You worry too much." 

3. I was so scared I wouldn't enjoy life in Perth. 

But God blessed me with people to go through this experience with me. However little contribution they've made to the experience so far, they were there for a reason. And that's what I'm thankful for. 

4. I was so scared I'll come here and totally change. I was so scared of how I would end up after this. 

But God didn't let that happen. He gave me the one thing I needed the most. His presence. If that wasn't enough, He blessed me with parents that constantly pray for me. 

5. I was so scared that friendships will go astray. That being apart meant forgetting. That being apart meant drifting apart. 

But God already knew what kind of people I needed in my life before I even met them. If anything, the cliche of "distance making the heart fonder" came into play. If anything, we realised how important our friendships were. 

6. I was so scared I would drift away. So afraid I couldn't stay rooted. 

But God never failed to give me a gentle nudge when I edged off just a tiny bit. He never failed to remind me that He was there. 

7. I thought I was gonna do really bad in school. Honestly. I mean come on.. Genius me picked 3rd year subjects for my 2nd year. D: 

But God blessed me with the wisdom I needed to do well. When I thought I couldn't make it, He gave me more than I expected. 

8. There were days when I couldn't help but wonder why I came here, why I picked journalism out of every other safe and secure degrees I could study. Why why why why WHY. Some days I'm so convinced it's a bad idea. 

But God always always reminds me. That I'm here for a reason. I still don't know what the big picture is, but I do know I'm an important colour. 

One of those nights...

where you can't help overwondering...

can't help overthinking...

overanalysing... 

Why does God put great people in your life, and take you away? 

Why does God put you in people's life, and move them away? 

When does this end? 

How come everyone knows where they're from, but you don't.

How come everyone knows where they belong, but you don't. 

How come everyone knows where they're going, but you don't. 

One of those nights... 

Where you ponder. And think. And attempt to analyse it all. 

Dear God, 

Where am I supposed to be in this big plan of yours? 

“It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.”
― George Harrison

I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

****************

current fave. 

and so thoughtful at this ridiculous time in the night. 

I finally forced a drawer of memories that started, coincidentally two years ago today, to relocate down to the garage. I had forgotten to remember that said items have been overstaying their welcome in the bottom drawer of my life for well over a year now. I think it’s about time for me to forgive myself for my impulsive actions and move on.

Forgiveness is an interesting game. Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish whether we are waiting for someone to forgive us or whether we are trying to forgive ourselves. It is intriguing how we entrap ourselves either way, feeling like the book is still wide open until some external factor sets things right, when really we can close the book any time we want.

It all makes me think about the various people who come in and out of our lives and the things they manage to contribute to us or teach us before leaving. I wonder what things I may have contributed to those whose lives I am no longer a part of for whatever reason, typically just from innocent drifting away. We almost inevitably keep small reminders of these people, mere tokens of their existence relevant to whatever small role they may have played in the grand scheme of things.

I suppose the sentimentality isn’t totally pointless then. It all means something, or at the very least it all meant something. Some people are there to take us for a ride — to be present for a long time and help form the person we become and the experiences that become our lives.

Some people pick us up when we are down, take us out for a nice day, relatively speaking, get our mind off things, show us the open window next to the door that was closed, and then drop us off curbside wishing us the best of luck as they drive off into the horizon, never to be seen again. They pick us up off our beaten path and set us down on a different one, give us a small shove, and they are gone as quickly as they appeared.

So today, cleaning, I found a lot of finished business, but amidst all of that, I found a book of postcards I never gave myself the chance to send. But sometimes in life we buy postcards and we don’t get the chance to send them. Sometimes the path takes a turn for the unexpected.

It’s interesting how most of the keepsakes we hold refer to experiences that we had, while some of them, even more powerfully at times, point to the things that never actually happened, and they were never intended to be “keepsakes” in the first place. They are the cliffhangers, the intentions that got cut just short of becoming actions, the half-written story that we read through years later and wonder what we had in mind for the ending back when it was a work in progress. Or maybe we hadn’t even thought about the ending at all. Maybe we didn’t like to end stories.

[thoughtcatalog]

New time, new place. 

New faces, new phase. 

New enviroment, new experience. 

Everything's gonna be new. 

And for the first time ever.... I'm doing this alone. 

No family to fall back on in an instant. 

Go big or go home. 

But I cant even.....

9..

There are those that you miss because of something they did, something they said. You think back, flicking through your memories and suddenly you miss them. Perhaps you miss the feeling they gave you at that point of time more than the person. Then there are those that you miss, without blinking your eyes, without a second thought - like a second nature. You miss their presence, the way they make you feel, the joy they bring you. You don't even have to question their place in your heart and mind. They gave you a reason to miss them without you looking for one. Their presence left a big impression in your heart. Those are the ones you can't afford to lose.

Thoughts:
1. The only thing constant is change. 
2. Complicated.  
3. Commitment is as scary as you make it to be. 
4. 12 days will feel like 12 hours.
5. Who's to say things won't change after that. Maybe it already has. 
6.. Being selfish for all the right reasons. 
7. That comfortable feeling. At the point where you're just happy and contented. And you don't wanna ask for anything more.  
8. Those words. 
9. Life only gets better just before it's time to leave. 
10. You can't stop yourself from doing what you know best. Second nature. 

Headed up to Ipoh on Wednesday night to see the grandparents. Heard that the PSI was at 290 that night so thank goodness we headed out of Singapore for a short while.

While I appreciated the cleanliness of the air, I really didn't look forward to the long bus rides to and fro as well as the lack of sleep on the bus rides.

Thanks to the near death experience on the last bus ride, every time I feel the bus driver breaking hard, I jolt awake (and this happened many times throughout the ride). So sleep wasn't really good, but thank God we got there and back in one piece.

The trip was enjoyable. Missed the Malaysian food very much and got to spend some time with my grandparents before I leave. We ended up having Dim Sum for breakfast 3 days in a row. The horror. Talk about the Law of Diminishing Returns. Ergh.

Reached back to Singapore tonight feeling ridiculously tired. Is it possible to feel jet-lagged from a bus ride that did not cross any time-zones? I have no idea.

Distance. 
To feel safe. 
Sometimes I can hear myself blocking everyone out. 

Long Distance Relationships (LDR)

Long distance relationships do not just apply to romantic relationships. In my opinion, it takes into account blood ties and friendships as well. So in that sense, we've all gone through LDR. Whether you're the one who's moving or your loved-one is moving, LDR is NEVER easy. Period.

Here are the 4 Main Factors that play a role in every LDR:

1. The Distance
So maybe you don't meet the person every single day.. But there's something about not being able to see the person whenever you like that changes the relationship. Not being able to be there to celebrate when something good happens, not being able to be there when they need a shoulder to cry on... The lack of face-to-face interaction creates many issues. So if your relationship isn't strong enough, it dies at stage one.

2. The Schedules
Needless to say, it doesn't matter where we are, we all have our own schedules. And thanks to the fast-paced world that we live in, our schedules are often packed. Lucky for us, in the 21st century, there's Whatsapp, Facebook, Oovoo, Viber, Skype and the likes to make keeping in contact much easier. If you're fortunate enough, your loved-one would set aside a certain amount of time every so often to keep in contact with you.

3. The Timezone
Depending on how far apart you are, there may or may not be any timezone differences. If there is no timezone difference, well.. you're in luck. One less thing to worry about. But if there are timezone differences,  make sure you don't miss a Skype date because you lost track of the time difference.

4. The Circumstances
Finally, the number one killer, the public enemy, the factor that I hate the most: Circumstances. It really does depend on how much circumstances will sway your decisions. Being in a different place from one another results in self-growth in different ways. As time passes, people change and when people change, opinions change. Maybe after that you realise that you can't see eye-to-eye on the same things anymore. Maybe you decide that this isn't a person you want to keep in your life. Or maybe circumstances just prevents you from allowing things to remain as it is. Bottomline is: the real villian of every relationship will always be CIRCUMSTANCES. 

To my beautiful mummy who's always young at heart. ❤

You often say that the price of the gift is not important, what really matters is the heart behind it. So here's a little piece of my heart... 

From as far back as I can remember (I think since I was about 4 or 5), every time I asked you what you wanted for mother's day, you would say that as long as I'm being a good girl, every day is mother's day. Back then, I may not have understood it, but those few words were instilled in me. And I promise you that I'm trying to make you the happiest mummy every day. 

I read this quote somewhere that said: “As mothers and daughters, we are connected with one another. My mother is the bones of my spine, keeping me straight and true. She is my blood, making sure it runs rich and strong. She is the beating of my heart. I cannot now imagine a life without her.” I dare say, without a doubt, that this quote sums up how I feel about you. 

I'm not sure how many daughters in the world can honestly say this, but you are one of my -for lack of a better word- bestest friend. I love when we have giggly fits over things that no one else seems to understand. I love when we do our laugh-clap all synchronised (you know what I mean. Haha.) I love how we can finish each other's sentence. I love how we say the same things at the same time on soooo many different occasions that I've lost track of how many sodas we owe each other. I love how we can look at each other, make a face and know what the other is thinking, simply because we're usually thinking the same thing. Well the list can go on and on but I'm sure by now, you get the idea. I guess what I really want to say is... I'm grateful for how connected we are to each other and thankful for the close relationship that we have.

You're the best mum I could ask for. There are so many things that you have imparted to me. You've always taught me how to stand up for myself and to speak my mind when it was necessary. You thought me how to deal with the difficult people that I've faced in my life [and will face]  with tact and grace. You thought me how to be my own person and not be ashamed of it, to not be afraid to stand out from the rest. 

When I'm down or discouraged, you were always there to encourage me with your motherly words of wisdom. Thank you for going through my ups and downs with me. You always understood how I felt. You always knew the right words to say. I guess that's why you're mummy. 

Besides that you never failed to encourage me to pursue my dreams and talents. Oftentimes you helped me to see the potential that I have and you showed me what I can do with it. To look for the opportunities and to take it when I can. But you've NEVER forced me to do something that I didn't want to and I'm thankful that you gave me the freedom of choice, always ready to guide me back when I needed to be. But most importantly, you always taught me and reminded me about how important it was for me to be a woman after God's heart. ❤

Since I was little, you were my super mum, the one that can do anything and everything - my role model. As I got older, I realised that my super mum was only human and that meant that not everything could be done. But needless to say, you are still my role model. Every time I think of how selfless you were when you chose to take care of me and Jo while putting your personal hopes and dreams on hold, it moves me to tears. Indeed nothing can compare to a mother's love. ❤ I always marvel at how you manage to juggle everything at one go, but I guess that's one of the super powers that God blessed mothers with. Hehe. I really hope that one day I'll be as good a mum to my kids as you have been to me and Jo so that they will love you as much as [or maybe even more than] me.

I'm thankful that when God made me, He knew that you had to be my mum. You're the best mum that I could ever ask for. (No SMEs needed here. Haha.) I am who I am today because of your guidance and because you were a big influence in my life. I'm thankful for all the sacrifices that you've made for the past 19 years and I know that our relationship will grow even stronger for the years to come no matter how far apart we may be. (I'll even entrust all my wedding planning to you. I promise! Haha.)

To sum it up, I guess what I'm trying to say is... 

Thank you for your selfless love and the sacrifices that you've made. And I'm sorry for the times when I made you cry. The measure of love, guidance and encouragement that you've given me for the past 19 years is so much that I don't think I can ever repay you. BUT I am determined to work hard and do well for uni, to be successful when I come out to work and to continue to grow closer to God each day. I hope that one day I'll be able to make you as proud of me as I am of you [because you're the coolest mum EVER!!! DUH.]

I love you mummy, forever and always, to the moon and back! 
Happy Mother's Day!!! ❤❤❤

Faith

Noun
1. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

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Hebrews 11:8-19

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. ⁹ And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith—for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise. ¹⁰ Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God.

¹¹ It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise. ¹² And so a whole nation came from this one man who was as good as dead—a nation with so many people that, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore, there is no way to count them.

¹³ All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. ¹⁴ Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. ¹⁵ If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. ¹⁶ But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

¹⁷ It was by faith that Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice when God was testing him. Abraham, who had received God’s promises, was ready to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, ¹⁸ even though God had told him, “Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted.” ¹⁹ Abraham reasoned that if Isaac died, God was able to bring him back to life again. And in a sense, Abraham did receive his son back from the dead.

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Bible study in the morning then headed to Out of the Pan @Raffles City to quench our thirst with Aunty Renee, mummy and a sleeping Aidan. :) Initially we wanted to order one sweet crepe to share but since DBS credit/debit card holders could enjoy a 1-for-1 promotion for crepes and waffles, we ended up with two. :)

My Freshly Squeezed Mint Lemonade :)

Tiramisu Crepe!
Loved it!

Rum & Raisin Crepe

Home after that for a chill evening at home. 

The countdown begins...

2+ months before the next move and I can't help but feel the familiar sense of apprehension. What are the chances that this move will be as good as the last?

As the time slowly ticks by, the mixed feelings begin to increase immensely. On one hand, I'm excited. It's gonna be the first time I'm moving without the family. It'll be a journey of my own. An adventure. My chance to grow as a person with lesser influence from them... Ironically, the factors that make me excited are the same factors that make me dread this move. What if things don't work out like how I dream it to be? I think one of the things that scares me the most is how much I might change. What if I don't like future me...? So many questions and uncertainties. 

This is the stage before the move where you begin to treasure all the moments so much more. You appreciate the friends, the company and the memories so much more than before. All you want to do is make memories to last a lifetime because after this, things may never be the same. And it gets me every time... I hate this part right here, but I love it at the same time. Every thing means much more at this point. You love more, you live more. 

Tick tock. Time moves on... 

It's 7.04 am.
I wake up to the smell of haze, the flashes of lightning and thunder and a heavy downpour of rain.
I look out the window, only to be greeted by gloomy mix of orange and grey in the sky.

Can you imagine what it was like to be Noah? Stuck in that ark for over a year..

"You do so much for them.. and for what? When have they done the same for you?"

*silence*

"You only have so much time. You can't spend all of it on other people. You must learn to manage your time wisely."

********

I can't be everyone's superhero.
As much as I want to I just can't.
I always try so hard... and for what?
Because no one deserves to be treated that way.
No one should have to go through all that thoughts and feelings that I know so well.
No one should have to be alone.

Even though it doesn't change things for me, at least it changes things for them.
Isn't that all that matters?
Being that one person that made the difference.

Paint my heart with the colours of the rainbow,

Never let the colours fade.

And with every blue sky and silver lining,

Teach me a new way to love.